Seeing Through the Eyes of Pain

 I had just entered into yet another hospital room. This time it was a new setting.  There was a huge machine in front of me and hazardous material signs around me. The spirited and somewhat enthusiastic technician greeted us. I found myself in one of the most difficult situations I have ever encountered. My kidney wasn't functioning properly and therefore putting me and my baby at risk. The pain medicine, the testing and the surgery, all had been endangering the life of the little one that was developing inside of me.  Instead of being the peaceful, protective sanctuary that I longed to be, for my little growing baby, I had all of these things taken away from me. I felt as if I was barely surviving myself.

Nothing looked the same to me.

 The pain medicine had altered my frame of mind and the pain, itself, left absolutely no room for logic or the things that usually brought my heart peace and rest. While I appreciated the prayers of my family and friends immensely, I found myself unbelieving that I would really be out of this state anytime soon.  This unbelieving brought even more unrest because my heart longed to believe and to be who I knew I could be. However, my altered state of mind would not allow it. There was no praising through the storm or rest in my heart about what was happening. The pain was too great and had taken over anything that I could usually see through.

 I signed my name to yet another piece of paper acknowledging that harm could come to my baby and felt nothing but pain and fear and dread mount within me. It is quite something to try to prepare one’s self for even more pain when you are already immersed in great pain.  As if I was bracing myself for the greater pain that would come in the result of losing this baby if harm would, in fact, would help me in any way.  

The anxiety of what was ahead, the fear of what harm this was bringing to my baby and the lack of faith that I felt at the time almost seemed to overwhelm me.

The eyes of pain were absolutely all that I could see through. 

Faith did not even feel within reach and hope seemed extremely distant. I knew in my head that the eyes I was seeing life through were not the eyes of Truth, but I could not talk, think or pray my way out of looking through the world this way. I did not know that this day and these moments were the end of the pain and that the healing had already begun.

The next Sunday gathering I attended, I cried through from the very beginning to the end. I thought that coming out of the “dark spell of pain” that I found myself in, I would be ashamed going back to Jesus knowing that I hadn't found my strength in Him throughout this time. Instead, I found His words comforting and compassionate. He showed me how pain alters the very foundation of faith. He reminded me that everybody looks through their own eyes of pain. Also, how the eyes that I am looking through are the result of the pain that I have either ignored or let Him cleanse and make whole. Either way, pain is not what He wants for us. He wants to cleanse and wash away the pain. He doesn't want me to have to carry the weight of a life full of pain throughout my entire life. He longs to be a part of the healing process.

I am so incredibly blessed that the physical pain has left me and I love what He showed me afterwards. Looking through the eyes of pain is different for everybody. Not everybody sees things the way that I see them and the opposite is true, too. 

Either way, pain alters our reality, makes us believe things that aren't always true and robs us of our joy. So, any opportunity I have to tell pain to go away and ask for Jesus healing touch, I should because without that, my reality is ugly, lifeless and lonely.

 Jesus reality is full of peace, love and life and He longs to bring me back into the reality that He designed for us all to be a part of, the reality where He heals, He restores and He redeems.

 Whether it be physical or emotional pain, healing is a beautiful gift from above and is mine for the asking.
 Asking, seeking and finding---beautiful to the hurting soul. 

The Keeper of the Island

   I hung up my "Savior or Needing to Save" cloak a while ago, but I find myself sometimes struggling to see that I really can rest be at peace while another person I love is finding their own way. Jesus gave me this picture while I was journaling about this familiar feeling that I have come to realize is so unhealthy for me and I wanted to share.

The Island of Peace 

With my boat safely docked in the harbor, I found this new beautiful island a place of safety and rest from the storm that seemed always to be brewing around me. Skipping with great delight, I looked at the beautiful sign "Peace" that was held high over the island I now called home. I loved the name of my island and even more loved the One who gifted me with this beautiful sign. 

My boat had been docked for a while now and I enjoyed spending my days with the Keeper of the Island more than anything or anyone else. He was so gracious and kind and it seemed as if when I was with Him it was easier for me to be a lot more gracious and the kindness seemed to come so much more naturally with Him by my side.

I thought I'd probably stay here forever. 

Knowing the Keeper of the Island like I did, I asked Him if I would ever be silly enough to ever leave the island. He smiled that smile that He did so often and said, "Your safety rests in me, I hope that you will never leave." I couldn't imagine anyone or anything taking me away from this glorious place and assured Him that I imagined I would never leave this spot, either.

Several weeks passed and as I was sitting in my hammock I had affectionately called, "The Truth," I heard a faint cry in the distance. Panic arose inside of me and I just knew that I was needed immediately. Swimming out to the place where I heard the cry, out of breath and having some trouble keeping myself afloat, I finally caught sight of a boat. It was a pretty boat, I could definitely see the signs of trouble, though and got in the boat as quickly as I could. I grabbed and hugged who I now recognized as someone that was in deep pain and tried to figure out how quickly I could get this boat cleaned up and back running smoothly again.

I shook my head, it was actually worse than I thought. I had left everything back on the island, but used what I had on me to try to patch up the holes in the boat and to be sure to take care of this person who was in pain, too. 

With determination mounting, I just knew that I was up for the task at hand and so badly wanted to help this person to get to their own island of rest. I just knew that they would love it there. So, on and on I went telling them all about the island and how beautiful it was there and about The Keeper of the Island. He was amazing. Just sure that this was what this one in pain would want, I busied myself trying to get the boat in working order. We could set sail by morning, and I knew we could make it there before the sun set on the very next day! It was so close I could feel it!

While I slept that night, I dreamt of what beautiful things the island would hold, what treasures would be found and what Peace awaited there for this one I loved so dearly now. Slowly, I drifted off to sleep and got ready for the day of excitement that lay ahead.

Before I caught a glimpse of the beautiful morning sunrise, I noticed something was strange, the hole that I had fixed last night was open again and the one in pain was up, holding her side using a hammer to tear apart the boat that I had spent so much time on fixing the day before. I went into a bit of panic and tried to talk her out of this. No, this would only bring pain to the boat and eventually to her, why would she continue to destroy the very vessel that was keeping her alive? Leaning over the side I looked to see if the front of the boat had any damage. There I caught a glimpse of the name of the boat. Well, this wasn't her boat at all. How did she get in  here? The words were barely visible, but I could make out the faded words of Self Pity. I sat up and looked around. Floating all around me where similar vessels, Self-hatred, Self-loathing, Self-protection, Self-preservation, Guilt and Blame were just a few and they were all calling her name. 

I sat in despair and for the first time wondered why I hadn't brought the Keeper of the Island with me. He would explain everything, He would compel her to the beautiful island that He had waiting for her. Calling out as loudly as I could I yelled for the One who I knew could help. I knew that I couldn't stay on this ship of self pity long, I had tried similar boats and they didn't get me anywhere I wanted to go and they only took me away from that beautiful island I loved so dearly. 

Oh, the beautiful sight of the Keeper of the Island, He appears almost instantly and I absolutely loved what His presence did all around me. Excitedly, I showed my beautiful pain-filled friend the Keeper of the Island. She wasn't impressed. She said that this was home for her now and she would rather stay out here and weather the storms herself. I looked at the Keeper of the Island in shock and dismay. Tears filled my eyes, begging I said, "But have you seen your island? It must be beautiful and you can walk with Him there and you can talk to Him and He'll never lead you astray! All these voices calling out to you will only bring you into more hurt and self-loathing, wouldn't you rather have Peace, Love and Joy?" With her eyes glazed over, it was as if she wasn't even there, she turned her back and was yelling back at the others who had promised to help her to another one of their vessels. 

My heart sank within me. How can I ever convince someone to come back to the place of Peace and Rest? Slowly, taking me by the hand, the Keeper of the Island told me one must want to go of his or her own free will. He said that He would never force anybody to turn away from their "safety" to be with Him. He said long ago in a garden somewhere far from us, He had decided that somebody wanting to spend their days with Him was much more desirable than trying to convince someone of something that was good or evil for them. 

So, back to The Island of Peace and Rest we went. I looked up at my sign and looked across towards my hammock and asked The Keeper of the Island for one little thing. Please remind me to never leave the safety of my island to save a ship that isn't sure it wants to be saved again. I was sure now, that situation being way over my head, the only person that could really, truly bring saving was The Keeper of the Island, Himself, and even then, the person would have to actually want to be saved by Him.

Unwinding and sitting down, I looked at the beautiful sea and the Peace that I loved so much washed all over me again. Maybe next time I would stay here, on my island and ask The Keeper of the Island to go if I heard a cry and from the shore I would cheer for Him and the hurting one as He brought each one to safety in their own beautiful  way which was far better than I could ever have dreamed for them.

  Cleaning Out the Dust

     

     Smiling, she placed the finishing touches on her perfectly pressed white curtain. Slowly, she stepped back. What a beautiful sight! Fresh and clean, the scent filled the room with delight. Ah, how beautiful. The Light from the outdoors played into the room painting all kinds of different beautiful hues around her newly decorated haven. This was sure to be the place that she would find the deepest peace she had ever found before. Proud of her newly finished task, she stepped out to put a few much-needed tools back into their place. She grimaced quickly and with one eye closed placed the tools right inside the door of the musty, dust covered room. Quickly closing the door, she realized that room was for another day, or perhaps another week she thought to herself. When would she ever possibly find the time that she needed to increase the stamina and strength that she would need to sift through that old dust-filled space? Glad that nobody else was there to notice, she wrapped up the finishing touches to her crisp, white curtains and stood back to admire the look. Fresh, modern and clean.  She figured she would just turn her back in this direction because even the thought of the dust covered space made her insides wince. She pushed it out of her mind and moved to the next task at hand. Busying herself, she found many more things to keep her occupied and slowly the thought of that dusty room was pushed away and only the thought of the white, beautiful, stark and perfect new curtains remained in her mind. It was her little secret. Only she would really ever see that room anyway. Or so she thought.

Weeks later with time flying past she ducked into the dusty space again out of necessity. She was driven by her perfection to keep the front of her home manicured well and the only tool she knew that would work was in that dust covered space. She braced herself and again with one eye closed winced through the dirt and found what she needed. Pulling it out and dusting it off gave her some relief. She knew that one little tool would keep her from having to revisit this dusty place for a while. Dusting her clothes off, she placed the tool in the sink and started to scrub away at it to remove the build up that had been cause by the lack of attention it had needed. Scrubbing every way that she knew how, she kept trying to bring it back to its usable state. She figured some of the build up would get in the way of what the tool really was meant to be used for.  Shocked a little at the amount of time this was taking, she decided to revert to looking back into the dusty place for something else. There had to be something there that could be used. Surely this was not the only tool that would do the job. Starting to panic a little knowing that company would be there soon, she held her breath and quickly dove in, to keep this visit as short as possible. Seeing some safety glasses by the door, she grabbed them to save her eyes from the harmful dust and entered this old, dusty place. Hearing the door bell ring, she tore off those glasses, threw down the tool and quickly patted her clothes for any dirty residue. Smiling, she opened the door, in a near panic on the inside. Much to her relief, it was just some young kids wanting to take a political survey. Kindly ushering them away, she shut the door to quickly get back to the task at hand. Armed and ready, glasses on this time, she dove into this dirty, musty space and opened her eyes.

There was something different about it. She couldn't figure out if it was the glasses or maybe the smell or what it was. To her horror, she realized that she had left the door ajar and the dust and the smell had seeped into the rest of her perfectly manicured house. Aghast and frustrated now, she quickly started fanning and opening the windows to let out the dusty fumes. Dust was settling all over her house now, and the smell, it just didn’t seem to be going away. This would never do. She would have to reschedule or maybe push her company back by a few hours. Trying to gather her thoughts, she could feel her heart beating out of her chest. How long would it take for her to recover from this complete and utter mess?? Mad at herself now for causing such chaos and being frustrated by her overall state of aggravation, she figured that there had to be something else that she could do.

Company or not, clean house or not, she was going to have to brave that dusty space and clean it out and make all of that dirty, clutter go away. This was it! She had been sweeping this under the carpet long enough. Changing into her working clothes and pulling her hair back, determined and ready, she stepped into the “war zone” as she decided that it should be called. Rifling through old things, she realized that none of these things were even worth keeping around. She opened up an old journal and saw that it read, “Believe me, the worst is coming.” “Stay in hiding, no one is coming,” and all sorts of things that she no longer believed. Now she realized why she had been avoiding this place so fervently. It was the place she had come before the pain had stopped. Before she had been set free.  She was disgusted by this place. It meant nothing but yucky feelings and broken hearts. She had experienced so much freedom since she had left this place behind her. Slowly, the dawning of the significance of this room meant so much to her. She had never looked back. She had been set free, she had watched everything be set as it should be, her world was set right side up, but she had locked the door on this part of her life and never looked back. And yet, here it was coming back, time and time again to haunt her, to ruin her beautiful new place of rest and to take all of her peace away yet again.

With a blink of an eye she knew what she must do. She made a quick call to the Loving Ones that had come before. The Ones with the loving hands and the sweet, gentle, loving arms. They showed up almost instantly. They helped her look through this gloomy, dusty past and as she looked through each dust, covered place, she handed The Ones the things she was longing to be free of forever. Slowly, they took the things away, if she wouldn’t have known better, she would’ve thought that those things just vanished into thin air. All that toxic waste and after a few hours of sifting through and letting go of the past, The Loving Ones asked if it would be o.k. if they joined hands and agreed that the past was gone and this place was no more. 

The Most Loving One stepped forward. 

He asked if instead of just emptying out this place of the old dusty things, He could replace them with something new. She agreed, wondering what He could do with this old, dusty place. And then as they joined hands the room started to shake, the ground became unsteady and bursts of light started the shine in. The walls instantly crumbled down and glass windows in their stead were clear and beautiful. The Loving Ones gathered around as the Most Loving One stretched out His hand. She came to Him in this new, peace-filled place and He said, “Thank you for letting me sift through the past with you and bring you something completely new.” This new aroma started to fill the air, she recognized it. It was the aroma of the Love that these Loving Ones carried with them. She jumped up and asked if they could please fill her home with this aroma, too. She grabbed the hand of the Most Loving One and together they ran from the top to the bottom of her home, out to the front porch.  She remembered that she should ask Him to help her with the one thing that she had been working on before He came. Surprisingly, that place that need to be fixed was completely done already and the house sort of just sang of beauty and that aroma she loved so much. She ran and swung open the front door. She wanted to be sure this aroma filled her yard and the air all around her place and perhaps it would even float into the place of others!

She stood there and smiled at the Most Loving One. 

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 

The visit that I was preparing for was nothing compared to the true beauty that You and Your Loving Ones have shown me today. 

He assured her it was His pleasure.

She took a deep breath to smell the air around her one more time. Yes, indeed. It was fresh, clean and smelled just like the Most Loving One. What a refreshing way to live her days.

The Armor of God

I was sitting in the corner of a dark, cold and lonely room. My weapons were ready, my sword was drawn and I was waiting for the inevitable attack. What will it be? What will they say? How will I cope? I felt for my knife, rusty but still ready for constant battle. Who or what was coming, I didn't know. It could be anybody or anything, no place could be left unprotected. The shield had grown paper thin and I was worried if the wrong thing hit it, the wound would be fatal. The very thought caused me to shrink back into the background. Thoughts circled around me of past failures and hurtful words and it was almost as if they taunted me waiting to strike again in a new and even more deadly way. Bracing myself for the attack, I was scared, all alone and shivering with fear. I did not think anybody else lived in this prison with me. As a matter of fact, I viewed them as walking outside the prison doors talking to one another, planning their next episode of attack and wounding my frail, weak body yet again. The very thought caused me to check my pockets. I had a few weapons tucked away. I really would rather not use them, but in a last resort sort of situation, I would have to do my worst. 

Tucked away in the secret compartment of my shirt pocket I kept my favorite safety device. It was plastic, worn out and it seemed to me a little useless at this point. The odd thing was that not many people were able to see the worn out parts. They still seemed to believe it was as good as the original. I had my trusty plastic smile.

Darkness surrounded me. Not the kind of darkness that your eyes adjusted to, but rather the kind that seemed to grow thicker and denser as I remained in that place. I heard voices sometimes of others faintly in the distance singing beautiful songs. They sang of Rest, Peace, Light and Freedom. I shook my head. What do those poor souls know about that sort of thing? Perhaps they were born into it? Perhaps they were just meant to be the happy, carefree, inspirational ones. I checked my chest. I was bleeding again. It was as if these thoughts alone brought on the leaking of my wounds.

As I sat there I looked around me. The floor was dirty, the ground was cement and it was icy cold. I figured it didn't much matter anymore. I felt my hands grasp around the large weapon I had saved for the first round and attempted to find rest on the floor covered with even more sludge. It felt as if I would never be clean again. I was sure those beautiful, faint voices that sometimes found their way through the walls were clean. Imagining the beauty that they were surrounded by, I started to drift off into a dream. It was only seconds later when a dart came my direction and I was awakened only to have to pull the arrow out, medicate myself in the only way I knew how and hold my wound until it would stop leaking blood that I was sure that I had no more to lose.

I attempted in a short, feeble, well more of a groan than really anything else, to sing the songs that I had found so soothing to hear. There was a very, deep longing in the deepest part of my chest that I didn't really understand. I spoke the name of Jesus and thought if there was a way out of this, maybe the One I sang about could bring me out. 

I waited. The door opened slowly. I was momentarily blinded. The Light coming from outside my room was absolutely blinding. I clutched for my book of life decisions I held on to. I leafed through quickly trying to find what had been written for me to do. I found the answers to be blurry and almost wondered if they had ever really been written there at all? I grasped my heart. I knew all things good were there and I depended on what I knew to show me the way.

The Presence entered my room just as quickly as that blindingly White Light had barged through my door. I gasped. Why was I having trouble breathing? The weapons I had readied were now lost in that Light and I was searching desperately to find them. The Presence beckoned that I come with it, and leave that dark, cold place behind. I shrunk back. What did The Presence know about life beyond this place? This was safe. I had my weapons here. I had my sword, though dull and rusty, I knew it could cut through a weak prisoner, like me, if needed. The Presence sort of seemed to smile. “Come, follow me. Judgment day is near.” Judgment? That reminded me of the jar to my right. Sometimes I used the stuff in that jar in battle. I would drink the sludgy beverage inside and wait to spew it out at a victim I was trying to take out. But what was this judgment The Presence was speaking about? How did The Presence know about the jar? The Presence seemed to look down and point another way. I was intrigued. I decided to muster all of the strength I had left and began to stand to attempt to follow this Light. Again, laughing and sort of shaking His indefinable head, The Presence scooped me up and as if by just my choice, and no effort on my part, I had gone from darkness to the Brightest Light I had ever seen. The Presence seemed to be named perfectly. I sensed the Peace from The Presence down deep, deeper even than I had felt the pain before. 

I looked around to find that we had entered into a court room setting. I was startled, but The Presence assured me fear was not needed in here.  I had left some of my weapons back at the place of darkness and told The Presence that I would need to go back and pick some of those things up. He assured me I would be safe without those things in this room. For some reason, although I didn't want to, I trusted this Deep, Warm, Inviting Presence. He invited me to sit down and to watch as the session began to start.

The Presence told me that he had summoned those responsible for my wounds and pain and my prisoner of war state. I quickly counted up in my head and shook my head. Nope, those people would certainly not fit in this rather unassuming court room. I looked around the room waiting for the door to open and for that long line of people to enter in. 

Much to my surprise, I familiar looking voice found its way to the seat. At the command of The Presence the voice started talking. I couldn't decide if it was my voice or one that sounded strangely similar to my own. If it wasn't mine, it was a close friend, for sure. Yes! It was that one that taught me how to use my weapons! Why ever would this one be on trial for me? I wished I could stop this whole thing but The Presence seemed so confident, I figured I should hear Him out. That voice had been the one to help me patch up the aching wound on my leg. I reached down, although I couldn't see it, I felt it was leaking again. The voice had promised it would stop. Perhaps I was doing something wrong, the voice was right, I was sure. I trusted the voice to tell me these things. Oh yes! That familiar voice was also the one that showed me where that corner was! I don't think I could have found it without it. The voice also left me with those weapons, grant it, they were old and rather falling apart and mostly didn't seem to do the job, but there was safety in having those since I was in that dark corner. I tuned back in to hear what the voice was saying. I was sure it would explain everything.

The Righteous Wrath of The Presence seemed to almost instantly switch the atmosphere of the room. It was not scary, but deeply intense as He grilled the voice for answers. The voice shrinking back into its seat started saying things I had never heard it say. Things like, "I wanted to destroy her," "I wanted her to die," "I wanted her to believe she was worthless," I was taken aback completely! This was not at all what I was used to hearing from this voice. I had been used to hearing things like, "This is for your good," "Get them before they get you," "Protect yourself or nobody else will," “You are stronger by yourself,” “Don’t trust anybody else…” Come to think of it, I really couldn't see The Presence saying these things to me. Maybe they weren’t correct after all? This sort of blew my mind to even try to comprehend. The Presence told the voice to go and leave me forever. I was starting to see how this might really benefit me, but I wondered who would help "comfort" me in the dark place? The Presence said that in order for the voice to go, I must give up those weapons that it had given to me. I asked the King of Kings which weapons I would have instead. He assured me He had some waiting for me. I wondered if I could take them back to the dark corner with me. I really hoped so. I did not want to be left with nothing in that dark place when The Presence left me. I gasped as I felt the air almost grabbed out of my lungs. The voice had left the room and it was as if I had to gasp for New Air. I filled my lungs up quickly and looked over to The Presence. The Presence was so much clearer now. I wondered why? It was as if I could see the definition of His Character and understood the thoughts in His Deep, Deep Heart. He beckoned me to come with Him. My heart saddened. I knew time would come to an end and I had to go back to that dark place. Slowly, I looked to gather my things and reminded The Presence that I would need some new ones before going home. This time I could see the smile radiate from His face. He shook His head. "Home?" He said. "Follow me." 

And just like that we were in this new and beautiful place. I looked down and gasped. My clothes! What had happened and my, my wounds? Where had they gone? I checked quickly and grabbed my lower leg. Shocked and in awe I realized that wound was gone, too! I instinctively started twirling and dancing in this new beautiful place before stopping and wondering if it was permitted here. I did a quick check around to see if anybody could see me and not only could many Bright Lights see me, but they were joining me! It was as if every time I danced, they danced, too. The whole place seemed to be filled with The Bright Light and Presence that had become my new safety. Oh, I looked at The Presence. “Could I please stay here? Please?”

He smiled with a Love that pierced me to the depths of my new, healthy soul. "Oh, sweet one, I've been waiting for the day that I could bring you to your new home." "This is your new place of rest; won't you stay here with Me?"  My heart leaped out of my newly cleansed and beautifully whole being. "WOULD I?" Oh, this is who I was born to be! "So, no more dark place? No more leaking wounds? No more rusty weapons?" As if on cue, the Bright Lights brought something up that The Presence seemed to call for, without really moving or saying any words, it was as if they knew what was coming already.  It was beautiful and breathtaking and mighty! It was a solid diamond suit of armor with a brilliant sword and a shiny, stunningly gorgeous helmet. The Presence nodded lovingly knowing that I was just longing to step into it. The Bright Lights covered me from head to toe and I stood straighter than I ever had before. The Presence spoke beautifully and powerfully and said, "Without that armor, your dark place will beckon you. Without that armor, new darts will break through, without that armor, hope will fade away and this will not seem real. Without that armor, your rest will be substituted for panic, without that armor, joy will be substituted for pain. Without that armor, the voice will beckon to you again, and you will want to believe it again. However, WITH that armor, your battles will be won. WITH that armor, your safety will rest in my arms. With that armor your pain will be cleansed and washed away and WITH that armor, you will win any battles I will call you to fight." I smiled and laughter started deep in my new, cleansed soul. This is what I had always wanted. I had always wanted to see the face of the Beautiful Presence so defined, I had always wanted to fight the battles that He asked me to fight, and I had always wanted to rest in the safety of His Presence. The Presence heard my soft cries, even in the dark place where the voice had led me astray. He heard my faint, feeble voice calling out, with only the little strength I had left and He came to my rescue. He saved my soul from the depths of the darkness.

Now I don't sit with my hands clenched anymore. The weapons that once were tucked away are no longer needed. I sit in His Kingdom, at His Throne, covered in the beautiful Armor of God and I wait. I dance, I sing, I worship, I rest, I have long discussions with Him and when He calls me to, I stand, raise my beautiful new sword and say, "I am on the side of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords and no weapons formed against me will prosper because I am on the side of the one and only Lord Almighty, God of Heaven, and He holds the Key to my heart."

Chapter 13

Love REALLY is
the "Greatest of These"

I guess what I realized most from going through this workshop (see previous posts) was that I was missing out on a whole lot. Something that seemed to be sickeningly lacking in Christianity as I knew it.

((LOVE))

I really had no idea that Jesus really did love me. I felt like He was most likely proud of me for keeping all of the rules and doing the right things and at the same time for some reason gravely disappointed in me.

But that isn't love at all, is it?

Being proud of a person's accomplishments and loving a person for who they are really are two totally different things.

Of course, I had HEARD a million times, Jesus loves you. But truly, if I were honest, I couldn't really see
how that was true in my life and certainly never FELT the love of God inside of me.

 I finally FELT the love of God deep in my soul during the workshop, when the walls that had been surrounding my heart, "guarding" me from betrayal, rejection, fear, well all sorts of things, were gone.

 Part of the workshop is visualizing your heart being completely white. We all start out with a clean slate, so to speak and then as life happens, our heart begins to be hurt and wounded. 

After it is wounded, we begin to put up walls, protecting ourselves. 

As I sat around me in a group of people listening to different voices call out what a "hurt" had been in their lives, something suddenly changed about the room. Instead of everybody seeing each other outwardly, we were all hearing and seeing each other's hearts, each other's wounds, and we all felt the nagging pain that we  couldn't seem to make go away. I was taken aback by the intensity of the pain all around me and felt like for the first time, some of the people in the group of people I was with, were able to say things that they had  never even spoken out. Now, the problem with not speaking out your pain, is that leaves you feeling isolated, alone in your thoughts and hopeless in your life. Where was I in all of this? Well, at first a little shocked that people would speak such things out, then a little afraid that I might be feeling some of the same ways and then so fearful that if I admitted it, somebody, somewhere would feel let down by my "weakness."

Even though nobody that I knew was there, I was afraid that if somebody found out how I felt, I would be "feasted upon" as soon as I opened up my heart. Now this was a great place for me to sit for my enemy.  I felt like I was on hamster wheel too weak to make it go and too full of fear to get off.

Love broke through all of my fear.

That is why, by Sunday of the workshop, a group full of people that hadn't met on Thursday, somehow found the depth of "Jesus" that I had never seen before. The Love that everybody pours out on one another, makes the pride, fear, unbelief and anger leave. Because suddenly, when there is a room full of believers standing together in unity saying, "I am with you," "I am here for you," "I believe Jesus can make all things new," and when they come around and gather and pray for you, something intensely wonderful happens. There really is very little battle in that environment because it is so thick with the Love of Jesus that I would imagine the enemy cannot even see its way through.

 Jesus, the Messiah left us with a clear, very important mission. 

To love one another and to love Him. 

He knew that united and together, people can stand for much longer. 

United and together, others can see a BRIGHTER Light. 

United and together, darkness has no place. 

United and together, we get to bring Heaven to earth in a big way. 

United and together, the world becomes a more brilliantly, beautiful place.

So Love, Himself, cuts through the thickest of walls, comes into the deepest of pains, sits with the most broken-hearted and begs the question: knowing that someone else on this earth loves me, and that the God of the universe adores me, can I stand again?

The answer is always, YES. 

Chapter 12

A Voice

It seems as if since I've started to write the story of my heart, the battle has thickened and a war has been engaged around me.

I wonder if it's because the enemy is not interested in any of us having a voice.

A real, true, honest voice. Not repeating the things that we have heard our whole lives, but experiencing them on our own. Even as I write, it seems like there is a battle to take away the gift that He has given to me. 

My Voice. My calling. My life mission.

So, for this my family and friends joined together this past weekend in prayer and fasting. Without knowing this, I, too, started a fast, feeling led by God to fast for those who do not have a voice. Those much like myself, who didn't know it was o.k. to step out and in faith experience their own journey with Jesus. My husband, Ryan, also decided to fast. Each of us separately feeling led by God, but none of us knowing about the others. I do not know what happened this weekend in the spiritual realm, but I do know that when a move of God occurs in several believers’ hearts at the same time, something big is coming. 

For that I am overjoyed.

To those of you reading this who have never stopped to think, does it matter what I think to those around me and do I feel safe to share it with them? I suggest you stop and ask that question. If you don't feel like your voice is as valuable as those around you, then why? I know that Jesus Christ wants nothing more than for you to be set free to be who He created you to be, holding nothing back.

The only voice louder than yours is the one that you allow to overpower your own.

I was asking Jesus about my voice a while ago. Being one of seven children, it was hard to imagine that I had a separate voice away from any of my siblings, and that it was just as valuable to Jesus as anyone else's voice.

He showed me this picture: Each one of my siblings lined up in a line. As we all spoke there was a measuring device that measured the sound. Sure enough, we all had the same volume through His eyes.

It is not that anyone in your life has a right to put your thoughts or your heart down; you are just as special as those around you.

Your voice is sacred to Jesus Christ.

I spent some time this weekend visiting the grave of a dear sister, whose voice was stolen very early in her life. If I ever falter, I sit by her grave, knowing she is not there but dancing with Jesus, but I want her voice to be heard through me and through those around me. I do not want anyone in my life to not fully see their freedom to step out in faith and be loved for who they are.

A very dear friend of mine sent this to me over this weekend, and I pray the same thing over you for each one who reads this post.

"God gave me the most beautiful picture for you today! First, I heard the feet of strong horses, rushing urgently and numerously. I saw white horses and the riders were the faces of people who love you, who are lifting you up. And behind your loved ones & beloved friends, a host of angels charging with greater white horses. He is coming dear friend & bringing His whole kingdom with Him! You are not alone sweet one...you are being fought for! "

Find your voice. It is the most valuable piece of life you can give to those around you. I am worth fighting for. You are worth fighting for. We are all in this together.

You have a voice.

Chapter 11

The Truth

I guess I’ve talked about this workshop for a while and maybe more details would help. The workshop is four days long. It is based on the truth that a large amount of Christian people have never really felt loved by Jesus. They have obeyed, trusted, made good or bad decisions, but never really experienced being loved by their Creator. There are a lot of different reasons for this, mostly unique to each person that walks through the doors.

For the first two days, the workshop is focused on past wounds. For instance, if someone has an abusive father, they may only know how to see God as controlling and angry. If someone has been hurt by others, for example, in school by mean and hurtful classmates, they may have put a wall up between themselves and other people and may not trust anybody because of that. If someone has been sexually abused, they may view themselves as worthless and because of that, not feel good enough to those around them. If someone has made mistakes, they may feel that God no longer wants them.

The list is endless, but it is so powerful.

The vast majority of people think, “This is just the way I am.”

One of the processes talks about writing down a list of negative things that go through your mind on a continual basis. They call these negative tapes. I had a hard time actually writing these things down on paper, they seemed to make me feel so vulnerable to actually admit that I felt this way.

Here is an example list:

I am not good enough.

I am worthless.

I am ugly.

Nobody wants to be around me.

I hate myself.

Nobody wants to hear what I have to say.

It’s no use talking, no one is listening.

I am stupid.

I am dumb.

I will never be anything more than this.

I’ve already ruined my life.

Now, these sound very sad, but these feelings are so common, yet rarely admitted. I was shocked at what I wrote out when I took the time to think about it. I had never really thought about it before and all of the sudden these thoughts came pouring out. What I believed about myself was killing me internally. I believed I was worthless, not good enough, an annoyance to people around me and many other things. Those thoughts ran through my head all of the time. It was these very same thoughts that the enemy had put into my mind that were magnified at every turn in my life, marriage and family. I didn’t even know that those beliefs were not true.

I didn’t realize how much these thoughts controlled my life until I started to not believe them anymore. As I made this list, Jesus began to replace these thoughts with truths of His own.

I challenge you to make a list like this and ask yourself.

What do I believe about myself and what does Jesus think about who I am?

You will find out, you are much more than you may believe.

My list:

What I believed

What Jesus said

I am Worthless ------

You are my Chosen Daughter

I am not good enough----

We are ONE and through Me, you are MORE than enough

I am not strong enough-----

Your strength only lies in me

I have been broken beyond repair----

Old things are passed away and everything is new

I have ruined my children already----

Those kids? They’re mine and I adore them, they will lean into me more because of Your love for me.

Life is not perfect for any child, but that’s where I come in.

I am not a good enough Christian

“Good enough Christian,” those words don’t come from me.

Look into my eyes, focus on me, I love you and I cherish your love to me, just move when I tell you to move and rest when I tell you to rest and look to me, I will take care of you.

As you can see, these are life changing words. I cannot believe that even as I am writing this, I am struggling to remember feeling this way. When doubts come my way again, I remember, these words do not come from Jesus. But, from an enemy that would long for me to believe them and leave me covered in those negative feelings.

However, Jesus longs for me to look to Him and ask Him…

”What is Your truth?”

It is always so predictable.

“You are beautiful, You are loved and in me, You are always enough.”

The picture above is of me and my baby, Kate. When she is resting in my arms, I cherish those moments the most. I imagine that's how My Father feels.

More about the workshop next time.

Chapter 10

Chapter 10

The funny thing about changing is that most people are completely afraid of changing but envy it in the same way. So many people who are stuck in their circumstances long for a way out and yet don't ever make the choice to do so. Thankfully, for me, Jesus had me at the end of who I was completely, so that He could bring begin to remake me.

My story is not about being an Independent Fundamental Baptist or not being an Independent Fundamental Baptist, those words mean nothing to me. It is Jesus Christ, Himself who wrote my story.

He penned the very pages of my life and reached down and showed me His Divine plan for me. Whether I have a title on my relationship with Jesus seems irrelevant to me. Who am I to paint the lines for somebody else on what their relationship should be called or what it should look like? I alone know what Jesus has showed me and because of that, I have been set free. To me, everything else seems futile. I no longer hold to a lot of the strong habits or beliefs that most who call themselves by this name do, but that does not change the essence of who God created me to be. I am called and chosen by Jesus to love. I spend the quiet hours of my life, when they come, sitting with the King of Kings. I feel His presence. He doesn't just know me, but I know Him. I talk to Him, and He talks to me. If a situation is overwhelming me, I lay down at His feet and He calms my heart like no one else can do. He shows me visions and pictures of the most beautiful things and He proves over and over again that He is doing a perfect work in my life.

So, what about the way that I was raised? How could I walk away and hurt my family, my parents who spent every day of their lives raising me up in the way that they thought best for me? How could I hurt the people that gave me life by walking a different path, finding a different identity, walking in a new way? How could I look into my mom's eyes and say, "I am leaving behind things that you hold dear, to be "free.'" How offensive and upsetting this is to those who have poured their lives into mine. They have sacrificed and given me everything they could, to do what they thought was best for me. And then here I come into their home, talking about a new way, new thoughts, new life. Where did that leave them? How excruciatingly painful to not be the woman they thought I would become. How could I look into my dad's very deep blue and 100% Baptist eyes and say, that's just not for me.

I love you, but I am choosing Jesus.

Doesn't that offend the very essence of who he is? After all, he chose Jesus years ago, before I was born and that is the very reason I am here. He was every picture of what a dad should be, very caring and full of love and my mom was absolutely always there for us and celebrated our lives to the fullest. They both were the textbook parents. How could I tell them that there was "somethings" about this life that were not o.k. with me?

That story is a beautiful one.

Now, you have to understand that my parents are so deep and beautifully awesome. They had watched the miraculous transformation and prayed for Ryan and I for such a long time. They noticed such a difference in Ryan. Ryan has such a huge personality that when he is talking about something and praying over people, it makes a big impact, which is why I know the enemy was hoping to take him out completely. The awesome thing about Jesus is that He has a "no man left behind" policy. If you are seeking Him, you WILL find Him. My parents are seekers, which is why they raised 7 very strong seekers. But, my dad is so unbelievably stubborn, for which I am thankful because I got some of that deep inner strength. My mom, well, don't tell anyone, but she tried very hard to become what she needed to become, but deep inside she's just all about loving and having fun. As we watched my parents become shunned by many in their circles for different things, all of us children had an increasingly desire to see them be able to be who they were created to be. Maybe my dad wasn't the kind of guy who was going to have the biggest church in town and maybe my mom wasn't the kind of lady that didn't mind leaving behind who she was to "fit in."

Months later, after my life had been being placed right side up by Jesus, my mom, who is amazing, decided that because of the change she had seen in us, would see what was happening at this place we were talking about (rather non-stop at this point). Jesus was bringing her to the same place of longing for something more, but as with us, none of us really knew where to plant our feet so to speak. She was seeking in her own way and she was finding many beautiful things on her own...to which she promises to blog about sometime. It meant so much to me that my mom, who grew up Catholic and then spent her life as a Baptist, would be open to check out a workshop that was neither Baptist or not Baptist. They just believe in Jesus. As the time got closer for my mom to go, I was praying for my dad to join her, I wanted him to see how deeply this was being used to change people's lives. That has always been his heart's desire, to see people's lives turned right side up by Jesus. Up until the very last moment, my mom was planning on going by herself, but my dad as a Mother's Day gift, "surprised" her and joined her. If I was a betting woman, I would bet it was just to check it all out, to be sure we weren't getting messed up with some crazy theology...of course he didn't say that, because, like I said, he's nice.

So, on that May weekend, my sweet adorable very Fundamental Baptist parents went to this very "out of the box" workshop and found out something extremely special.

Jesus met them there.

He loved them so immensely and wanted them to breathe. He wanted them to be loved and ministered to, for the first time in years and to experience the transformation of all of those around them. We celebrated that Sunday night at our house with the weight of the world removed from their hearts, because Jesus knew right where they were, loved them and He had just begun bringing their entire family back together for His good.

Chapter 9

No other "gods" before me

As Ryan and I both began to volunteer at this workshop that changed our lives, I began to experience God in a totally different way than I had before.

So much so that it started to become a battlefield of the mind.

I was seeing Jesus move and work and people’s lives were totally being transformed, including mine. Yet, I would hear an old belief about “God” and it would make me so feel paralyzed. I knew that Jesus was moving and working in a way that I hadn’t seen before, and yet, it was viewed in a negative light by many fellow Christians. How could this freedom, new life, peace and hope be taken away so easily? It was like a tape would play in my mind. No matter what I would try to combat it with, the tape would not stop. I would feel deafened by it and all the negativity would try to steal the joy away from the things that I was experiencing daily. I rejoiced in what Jesus was doing, and yet, felt the negativity had a grip on me I could not seem to let it go.

At that time I was regularly going through a truth ministry process. So many things were stirred up in my heart and I was starting to feel for the first time in a long time. I needed some help to get past the wounds of my past and move forward into more freedom of my heart. Jesus began unraveling all of the lies that I believed and He started peeling back all of the layers and revealing the truth. Why did this particular thing have such a hold on me?

Jesus answered this question in the most memorable way.

He showed me what the inside of my heart might look like.

Then He showed me a picture of someone slamming down a Trojan horse in my heart.

Seeping out of it were a million different ideas about God like spiders crawling everywhere into my heart. Most of the beliefs coming in were currently not mine, but had been mine in the past. It was as if each time I allowed someone else’s opinion to come in that there was a false god that enveloped my heart. Almost like an idol. I believed these beliefs or opinions to be about "the true God" at some point in my life but was entirely wrong. I now knew that even in the Scriptures, there was no backing to these things and yet, the habits were so strong, that it was hard to combat the lies I was hearing. I could see that Trojan horse being thrown down in my heart and I watched all of those things crawling out and entangling my heart in the worst of ways. I asked Jesus to help me destroy any false beliefs about Jesus that I had learned or picked up in life. I watched as the Trojan horse and its affiliates were consumed with fire. Some ashes remained, and Jesus slowly swept them up and carried them away.

After the ashes were swept away, a new thing came in its place.

A Living Room.

Just He and I were inside. He sat across from me and wanted to talk to me each time I had a question. I could see a library full of truths He wanted me to know. He invited me to join Him there anytime I wanted to talk out a problem I was having. The peace that encompassed my heart is so hard to explain.

For the next few weeks I was amazed to find how many things I could let go of and how much easier it was to sink into that Living Room and chat with Jesus and for Him to show me the way.

What an amazing revelation.

I now pray to Jesus Christ of Nazareth, God who came in the flesh. Just to clarify the there is no other God, no other opinion of God and no other belief about God that comes even close to comparing to the one true, Jesus. My Jesus came to save me from not only my sin, but from other gods that were trying to encompass my life.

Weeding out the other voices and listening to His voice re-invented the way that I lived.