Chapter 11

The Truth

I guess I’ve talked about this workshop for a while and maybe more details would help. The workshop is four days long. It is based on the truth that a large amount of Christian people have never really felt loved by Jesus. They have obeyed, trusted, made good or bad decisions, but never really experienced being loved by their Creator. There are a lot of different reasons for this, mostly unique to each person that walks through the doors.

For the first two days, the workshop is focused on past wounds. For instance, if someone has an abusive father, they may only know how to see God as controlling and angry. If someone has been hurt by others, for example, in school by mean and hurtful classmates, they may have put a wall up between themselves and other people and may not trust anybody because of that. If someone has been sexually abused, they may view themselves as worthless and because of that, not feel good enough to those around them. If someone has made mistakes, they may feel that God no longer wants them.

The list is endless, but it is so powerful.

The vast majority of people think, “This is just the way I am.”

One of the processes talks about writing down a list of negative things that go through your mind on a continual basis. They call these negative tapes. I had a hard time actually writing these things down on paper, they seemed to make me feel so vulnerable to actually admit that I felt this way.

Here is an example list:

I am not good enough.

I am worthless.

I am ugly.

Nobody wants to be around me.

I hate myself.

Nobody wants to hear what I have to say.

It’s no use talking, no one is listening.

I am stupid.

I am dumb.

I will never be anything more than this.

I’ve already ruined my life.

Now, these sound very sad, but these feelings are so common, yet rarely admitted. I was shocked at what I wrote out when I took the time to think about it. I had never really thought about it before and all of the sudden these thoughts came pouring out. What I believed about myself was killing me internally. I believed I was worthless, not good enough, an annoyance to people around me and many other things. Those thoughts ran through my head all of the time. It was these very same thoughts that the enemy had put into my mind that were magnified at every turn in my life, marriage and family. I didn’t even know that those beliefs were not true.

I didn’t realize how much these thoughts controlled my life until I started to not believe them anymore. As I made this list, Jesus began to replace these thoughts with truths of His own.

I challenge you to make a list like this and ask yourself.

What do I believe about myself and what does Jesus think about who I am?

You will find out, you are much more than you may believe.

My list:

What I believed

What Jesus said

I am Worthless ------

You are my Chosen Daughter

I am not good enough----

We are ONE and through Me, you are MORE than enough

I am not strong enough-----

Your strength only lies in me

I have been broken beyond repair----

Old things are passed away and everything is new

I have ruined my children already----

Those kids? They’re mine and I adore them, they will lean into me more because of Your love for me.

Life is not perfect for any child, but that’s where I come in.

I am not a good enough Christian

“Good enough Christian,” those words don’t come from me.

Look into my eyes, focus on me, I love you and I cherish your love to me, just move when I tell you to move and rest when I tell you to rest and look to me, I will take care of you.

As you can see, these are life changing words. I cannot believe that even as I am writing this, I am struggling to remember feeling this way. When doubts come my way again, I remember, these words do not come from Jesus. But, from an enemy that would long for me to believe them and leave me covered in those negative feelings.

However, Jesus longs for me to look to Him and ask Him…

”What is Your truth?”

It is always so predictable.

“You are beautiful, You are loved and in me, You are always enough.”

The picture above is of me and my baby, Kate. When she is resting in my arms, I cherish those moments the most. I imagine that's how My Father feels.

More about the workshop next time.

Chapter 10

Chapter 10

The funny thing about changing is that most people are completely afraid of changing but envy it in the same way. So many people who are stuck in their circumstances long for a way out and yet don't ever make the choice to do so. Thankfully, for me, Jesus had me at the end of who I was completely, so that He could bring begin to remake me.

My story is not about being an Independent Fundamental Baptist or not being an Independent Fundamental Baptist, those words mean nothing to me. It is Jesus Christ, Himself who wrote my story.

He penned the very pages of my life and reached down and showed me His Divine plan for me. Whether I have a title on my relationship with Jesus seems irrelevant to me. Who am I to paint the lines for somebody else on what their relationship should be called or what it should look like? I alone know what Jesus has showed me and because of that, I have been set free. To me, everything else seems futile. I no longer hold to a lot of the strong habits or beliefs that most who call themselves by this name do, but that does not change the essence of who God created me to be. I am called and chosen by Jesus to love. I spend the quiet hours of my life, when they come, sitting with the King of Kings. I feel His presence. He doesn't just know me, but I know Him. I talk to Him, and He talks to me. If a situation is overwhelming me, I lay down at His feet and He calms my heart like no one else can do. He shows me visions and pictures of the most beautiful things and He proves over and over again that He is doing a perfect work in my life.

So, what about the way that I was raised? How could I walk away and hurt my family, my parents who spent every day of their lives raising me up in the way that they thought best for me? How could I hurt the people that gave me life by walking a different path, finding a different identity, walking in a new way? How could I look into my mom's eyes and say, "I am leaving behind things that you hold dear, to be "free.'" How offensive and upsetting this is to those who have poured their lives into mine. They have sacrificed and given me everything they could, to do what they thought was best for me. And then here I come into their home, talking about a new way, new thoughts, new life. Where did that leave them? How excruciatingly painful to not be the woman they thought I would become. How could I look into my dad's very deep blue and 100% Baptist eyes and say, that's just not for me.

I love you, but I am choosing Jesus.

Doesn't that offend the very essence of who he is? After all, he chose Jesus years ago, before I was born and that is the very reason I am here. He was every picture of what a dad should be, very caring and full of love and my mom was absolutely always there for us and celebrated our lives to the fullest. They both were the textbook parents. How could I tell them that there was "somethings" about this life that were not o.k. with me?

That story is a beautiful one.

Now, you have to understand that my parents are so deep and beautifully awesome. They had watched the miraculous transformation and prayed for Ryan and I for such a long time. They noticed such a difference in Ryan. Ryan has such a huge personality that when he is talking about something and praying over people, it makes a big impact, which is why I know the enemy was hoping to take him out completely. The awesome thing about Jesus is that He has a "no man left behind" policy. If you are seeking Him, you WILL find Him. My parents are seekers, which is why they raised 7 very strong seekers. But, my dad is so unbelievably stubborn, for which I am thankful because I got some of that deep inner strength. My mom, well, don't tell anyone, but she tried very hard to become what she needed to become, but deep inside she's just all about loving and having fun. As we watched my parents become shunned by many in their circles for different things, all of us children had an increasingly desire to see them be able to be who they were created to be. Maybe my dad wasn't the kind of guy who was going to have the biggest church in town and maybe my mom wasn't the kind of lady that didn't mind leaving behind who she was to "fit in."

Months later, after my life had been being placed right side up by Jesus, my mom, who is amazing, decided that because of the change she had seen in us, would see what was happening at this place we were talking about (rather non-stop at this point). Jesus was bringing her to the same place of longing for something more, but as with us, none of us really knew where to plant our feet so to speak. She was seeking in her own way and she was finding many beautiful things on her own...to which she promises to blog about sometime. It meant so much to me that my mom, who grew up Catholic and then spent her life as a Baptist, would be open to check out a workshop that was neither Baptist or not Baptist. They just believe in Jesus. As the time got closer for my mom to go, I was praying for my dad to join her, I wanted him to see how deeply this was being used to change people's lives. That has always been his heart's desire, to see people's lives turned right side up by Jesus. Up until the very last moment, my mom was planning on going by herself, but my dad as a Mother's Day gift, "surprised" her and joined her. If I was a betting woman, I would bet it was just to check it all out, to be sure we weren't getting messed up with some crazy theology...of course he didn't say that, because, like I said, he's nice.

So, on that May weekend, my sweet adorable very Fundamental Baptist parents went to this very "out of the box" workshop and found out something extremely special.

Jesus met them there.

He loved them so immensely and wanted them to breathe. He wanted them to be loved and ministered to, for the first time in years and to experience the transformation of all of those around them. We celebrated that Sunday night at our house with the weight of the world removed from their hearts, because Jesus knew right where they were, loved them and He had just begun bringing their entire family back together for His good.