Friday, November 22, 2013

My God, my God, why have you forsaken us?



The List

Clasping the thin paper I held in my hand, I squeezed it a little tighter. I looked around to see the thousands of women around me. There were similar papers everywhere. Some stuck in the folds of women's hair, some more like well-bound books under their arms and purses everywhere were overflowing with these lists.
We all knew where they came from and who sent them to us. We all had something in common.

The lists. 

Not one, two or three, but hundreds and thousands of lists. 

As the hum of the crowd continued all around me, I drifted back in my thoughts to the day before I had these lists. "How naive I was!" I mumbled to myself bitterly about how far I had come. 
Not as many of the younger generation were represented,
 but judging by the life experiences of those around me, 
they would eventually make their way here, too.  
The older generation, myself included, were gathered together...
looking rather lonely and alone. 
We were tired and weary but had something in common
...we were in this together.

From time to time in the crowd, a woman would get especially loud and grab for her list. Others around her would read her list with her and gasp appropriately at the deep wounds it brought to her heart.
 Others, not to be left behind, would reach for the really deep, treasured lists that some kept close to their heart and would take a turn communicating the heart ache of the things represented on each of their treasured lists. 

Each list represented a hurt. A pain. A scar. A wound. A place left bleeding in her heart. 
Many had hearts that were so calloused by the severity of the list,
 that their eyes were dull and the flicker in their soul had died.

One woman started chanting and others soon followed. 
Some were chanting to never hope again, others were yelling to protect the list at all cost.
 Others were just quiet, tears dripping down their faces,
 with their lists gripped firmly in their hands as if they had no voice left to speak at all.  

I watched quietly. I am more of an observer and observed a lot of pain. 
I had my list or lists but kept them mostly to myself. I like a good list. 
One to keep for a time when it is needed. Just to be sure, I found a quiet corner and went over mine again.
Yes, there it all was in black and white. 
I had written and re-written different spots for emphasis. 
Some parts were barely visible and others were in bold writing so I would not forget. 

My list: 

Anger in place of love
Hatred in the place of pain
Malice in the place of hurt
Bitterness in the place of silence
Sleepiness in the place of my voice

I felt for my sachet. In it was the key to the house that I had traded for this place in my heart.
In the house, there was a kitchen filled with cabinets full of ammunition. 
My heart wasn't kept here. It was underground in a safe place being guarded. If anyone got near it or tried to sneak up on it, I have explosive devices rigged. I had ammunition, guns, machine guns and much more. 
I was ready. I had to be ready. I had to be prepared.
 Deep in my heart I muttered,  
"Bring it on. I will win. I will beat you.
 You will go down. I will swing my bat at your knees and see them buckle as you fall." 
I was protecting the very depth of who I was. 


I didn't start out like this. 

For every hurt I had received, there was a voice offering a weapon to help the pain. 
For every betrayal to my hurt, anger was offered to ease the blow. 
Slowly but surely, I had traded each pain for anger, rage, bitterness 
and every kind of shield that was offered to me in its place.

I was brought abruptly back to the present when the crowd hushed as One Person started to speak. 
This Person was familiar to me. I was sure that I knew what He wanted and was almost sure I knew what He had to say. He had left me along the way somewhere to fight this battle on my own. 
I was quietly angry at Him and felt the betrayal of being alone wash over me. 

He started to address the crowd:

 "Women of God, I adore you. Each one of you hold a special and dear place in my heart.
 I have battled for Your Freedom and won it. 
Yet, I see you gathered lonely, alone, restless, feeling betrayed.  
You have been fooled into thinking it was me that put you there." 

A woman burst out in anger. 

"YOU LET MEN DO THIS TO US! THEY WOUNDED US! 
YOU DIDN'T PROTECT US!
 YOU LEFT US ALL ALONE TO DEAL WITH THIS PAIN!" 

The crowd started to erupt in applause and acknowledgement of this  sad "truth" as they believed it. 
Jesus walked through the crowd to find this woman and sat beside her to look into her face.
 She winced as He got closer and held her face in His hands. 

"My child, I have been here all along. 
You tried to use men to fulfill a role I died to protect and save. 
A role that consists of Me and you in a deep relationship with one another. 
There is no man, woman or child that can fulfill the role that you seek."

A tear rolled down her cheek and she whispered, 

"But, he said he would love me and protect me and did the exact opposite. 
How can I trust anyone again?"

Jesus held her in a long embrace and then sat back and looked at all of the deep, heart wounds around Him.

"You women see these lists as protecting you from pain, I see them as the root of your pain.
 You have gone over each offense and played over each event in your life that has left you wounded, until it is sealed in the depths of your soul and rage consumes your days. 

What you haven't seen is Me.

 That is Who or What you are missing. 

You have looked to men to be your 'god' when I have not asked them to play that role in your life. 
I have always wanted to be Your God. 
When you give this role over to a man, you are setting yourself up for a life filled with disappointment."


As the truth started being clearer, it was as if the sun peaked through and clouds melted away.
  More and more women around started making their way to Jesus, 
each with a different question and each with a beautiful, truth-filled response. 

I slowly made my way to Jesus and sat at His feet in tears.

"I traded my heart, love and romance for protection. But, what I didn't know was it was protection from the enemy. He offered it and I took it. I didn't see a choice. I already had a 'god' and he wasn't protecting me. I gave this place in my heart away and got all of these things in return. A list filled with antidotes for pain."

I showed him my key and told him that I had kept a list of each thing done against me and kept it somewhere safe where nobody could see. He told me that He already knew about it and described it to me as sort of a mini-kingdom. One that had been set up under a different "god" and not with Heavenly rules. 
I told Him my heart was buried underground there for safe keeping.
 He understood and said that He knew exactly where it was hidden away.

Sitting back and looking at the crowd, He made us an offer. 

Our "kingdoms" for our hearts back.

 He would be The Protector He was always meant to be,
 The Provider He had promised He would be
 and The Saviour we had sought in other people or things. 

With tears streaming down my face I fell into His lap. 

What would I be willing to give up to have my heart back? 

Would I be strong enough to give up the anger? 

Would I be willing to forgive once and for all? 

What would happen to the "mini-kingdom" I had made?

Jesus said that He would take care of these things for me and held my heart in His hands. 

"No one can take you out of my hands.
 Keep your eyes and your heart with me.
 I will cover you. I will provide for you. I will be Your God."

Similar things carried on for a very long time as more and more women came to sit at His feet,
 He traded their lists for their very own hearts. 
As Jesus was handed each list, the list and the mini-kingdom that went with the list, would dissolve. 
In its place, the sun would shine brighter and the eyes of each women revealed 
the sparkle of her soul again.

Each women, now free, starting dancing as the walls crumbled all around them.
 The debt had been paid and our hearts were safe in the hands of the One
 who had taken the place of our pain so long ago.

 We were free.

 Free from our lists, free from our pain and free to sparkle, shine and glow in the Light of our King.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

The Value of a Mom



This morning I was awakened with the words of my very expressive 6 year old, who was talking a mile a minute. "Mom, it was so amazing, I slept without my 'blankie' last night without even realizing it!" My 9 year old was close behind, not as chatty but waiting for a warm hug and a morning greeting. My baby was still sleeping after being up now and then throughout the night with some teeth just waiting to break free. We drifted downstairs to a quiet morning because per a "punishment" from the night before, the t.v. was not allowed to be on. My 9 year old proceeded to talk to me about how this punishment was exciting for me because I hate Sponge Bob anyway. 

(I inwardly smile at that thought and congratulate myself on sticking to my guns, after all, who can possibly stand to wake up to that noise?) 

We had a conversation about something Jesus had been showing me about surrender and every time I surrender something, it's as if Jesus gave me a gift in a different way that totally thrilled my soul. I encouraged her to surrender this "need to watch t.v." and see how God rewarded her surrender. Keep in mind, explaining this to my 9 year old, comes with remarks in between, filled with skepticism and how she's not so sure this would work for her. She then reminded me that her "normal" friend at school CAN watch t.v, have an I Pod and a phone and we don't have any of those things. I reminded her that I grew up without all of those things and turned out o.k. I managed to stump her for a bit. 

Phew. 

Meanwhile, in the middle of the conversation, my 6 year old had managed to find her new socks and fresh pack of underwear.  She had been dancing around singing making up songs about the excitement of such things. As she did, she called out to us to watch as she danced yet another little jig. She made me laugh and her older sister rolled her eyes.
 But then, when she wasn't looking, her older sister silently threw me a little smile 
so that her sister couldn't see she, too, was amused. 

Then, my 6 year old remembered she really, absolutely needed to have the new book that had come out in her school. We looked it up online to see if we could find a better deal on the book. She found several other things she would love to have while we were browsing. 

Somehow, in the middle of this, we had managed to eat breakfast, get a snack packed and discuss the dreads of substitute teachers. Then, the suggestion arose...maybe we should just stay home. After all, we all WERE coughing last night. Any excuse to skip a day.

The baby had since been awakened, due to a concerned sister visiting her room, in hopes of her waking up. They just had to see her before they left for school! She immediately needed a diaper change, which she is forever protesting and I  reminded her to be patient several times while I changed her and she kicked her feet in every possible direction. I carried her around, placing random kisses on her soft cheek. I took away whatever remnants of pizza crust she found on the ground and changed her into a new outfit for the day...and reminded her to be patient...again while she nearly scooted off the couch in protest.

I threw kisses and hugs at the bigger girls as they walked out the door and I shut the door to see a big grin from a sweet baby girl. I picked her up from her complaining position of being held captive in the highchair, and we hung out on the floor looking for very special treasures. A mirror and brush seemed to be as exciting as could be and I got lots of cheesy grins. She came to sit on my lap and play close to me while inspecting her new toys. While playing with her,  I was prompted to pray for the child with the "dreaded substitute teacher" today and took some time silently praying for a pleasant day for her and that fear would not cloud her day. We went up and down the stairs a few times, getting the sweet girl's favorite blankie and bottle.  Then, we snuggled on the couch as she slurped down her morning food. I kissed her head and played with the slight curl that is forming in the back of her hair. I wrinkled up my nose and peaked out from my glasses to give her a laugh. 

My coffee had escaped somehow after just one sip and it was somewhere getting cold.
 The floor had odd pairs of socks scattered on it from when I started to pair them up.
There were dishes that needed to be tended to and the house was getting quieter.
 I waited for the dreaded whisper that often comes when it's quiet and says, 

"Aren't you going to get anything done today?" 

But, that voice wasn't there.

Instead there was a still small voice that lead me to the chubby thigh my hand was wrapped around and whispered...

"Each time you kiss a soft cheek, hold the hand of a child and lead the way, you have done your job and done it well. You have loved and after all, that is what you are here to do." 

Still pondering this, as I administered ear drops into the ear of a sweet little one,
 His whisper got louder, as I acknowledge and believed it,
 and He said...

"Well done, sweet girl. You have done what you have been called to do already today. You have loved and loved well. With your loving hands, your gentle words and your mothering wisdom, you are shaping the hearts of your children and the fingerprints of Me are all over their souls. Do not sell yourself short or believe any other lie. The value of your "mothering" has no end. Whenever you listen to them as if what they have to say has value, laugh at their funny jokes and make eye contact that shows you care...you are representing My heart to your children. You are molding the very fiber of their souls. 
Being a mother to these three is a role only you can fill. Not only is it valuable but it is priceless. You are bringing the Kingdom of Heaven to earth all around you. Walk in the fact that you are not just "a mom" today...but that you have accomplished one of the greatest callings on earth, which is, being the hands and feet of Jesus to a heart that needs to be shown the way."

So, as I brought my little one up to take her morning nap, I kissed her face all the way up the stairs and whispered and reminded her that she is "God's Treasure" as I laid her down.

 I tracked down my coffee to heat it up and sat down for the first time that morning and remembered: 

Being a mom is not only valuable,
 but it is immeasurable in the life of my children today. 

And as I take the time to write this out, 
I am beginning to think that I might actually believe it. 

Friday, January 4, 2013

SOS



The mighty thunderous roar of the storm battled around this beautifully breathtaking cruise ship. The ship, which was made to bring calm, peaceful bliss to people, was now locked in the battle of her life being tossed to and fro just waiting for this enormous ocean to swallow her whole. How was it that the water, which represented peace and tranquility, usually, brought now the threat to steal away every part of what this cruise liner was designed to do?  Bring solace and comfort and calm to its passengers. Now, being overtaken by this storm, the cruise liner had become just the opposite. A threat to the very lives of the people that once only came to her for strength, comfort and love.

Slowly sinking, the gaping holes in the sides of the ship left no comfort to those trying to save the ship from its ultimate demise.  Desperately trying to patch the holes to keep it afloat, the love that these people had for this ship was clearly seen through the attempts to save her, but it seemed endless and to no avail. Had you or I been looking, we would’ve thought them crazy, but we wouldn’t have been able to see the beauty that this ship had brought to their lives. The days and nights of laughter and calm that this ship had brought to them left them feeling like they owed it to this ship to pull out all of the stops to save it from this deafening, wrenching storm which seemed to be taking out her very soul.
The confusion of the storm had everyone running, patching, dumping and searching for ways to bring peace. Ideas flew about as each person came up with their own way to save the ship being tossed carelessly to and fro. One thing was certain. This ship could not save itself. One crew mate was sure that this ship needed his strength to hold onto to bow and keep it steady. Another crew mate felt like his job was to yell orders to all of those around him on how to save the ship. Yet another found herself trying to get to the bottom of the ship and trying to dig through the clutter to find the one leaking engine that could save the ship from sinking. Another was yelling at the storm, saying that this was not forecasted or part of the plan. Another had been hit by the pain of the possible loss of the huge ship and was sitting in the hallway begging for the pain to go away. All of these things, all though noble and caring weren’t seeming to help or save the ship as it sunk lower and lower beneath the crashing waves of this brutally attacking storm.

Then, faintly over the crackled barely working speakers came a tune familiar to this crew. It had been a tune that had been one that had represented this ship so well, almost as if it was written for this ship and for this crew. This song had played during the good and beautiful times and now almost seemed to be taunting them as it played now. Slowly it beckoned them all and they found themselves drawn to the place of its origination. On the front deck, as each person came from their post of protecting, or pain, or fixing, they saw each other. This was the first time that it hit each one of them how much this storm had taken its toll on them all. Everyone a little tattered and exhausted gathered around. The one that had been shouting orders grabbed the hand of the pain-filled one and they all quickly followed suit. Gathering in one giant circle, they quietly listened solemnly to the tune of this once, life-giving song.

As each voice joined together quietly singing, their one voice got louder and more powerful and the storm seemed to fade into the background for the first time in a long time. Their voices seemed to blend as one and get louder as the words of the song seemed to overwhelm the noise of the sea. Standing together, the circle seemed to get bigger as it seemed to beckon to the others around the ship. Soon, standing on the deck, you could see the storm all around them but in the middle, there was a calm, restful beauty that was only found in the security that each one had found in each other. 
They stayed there all night long until the Sun brought a New Morning, a New Day,  a New Light and by doing so, overcame the dark, looming, devastation of the storm.

They sat down finally looking across from each other wondering what just happened to her ship, how they could save her from this sort of thing again. They couldn't seem to find an answer. What they did know for sure was that they needed each other. The strength that had come from the outreached hand, the familiar song, the circle of love was what had kept them alive until the morning came. Standing together, they came up with a plan for the next storm. To grab a hand, hold on and find the comfort in the eyes of one another until the Sun stormed   through the clouds and rose again.