Seeing Through the Eyes of Pain

 I had just entered into yet another hospital room. This time it was a new setting.  There was a huge machine in front of me and hazardous material signs around me. The spirited and somewhat enthusiastic technician greeted us. I found myself in one of the most difficult situations I have ever encountered. My kidney wasn't functioning properly and therefore putting me and my baby at risk. The pain medicine, the testing and the surgery, all had been endangering the life of the little one that was developing inside of me.  Instead of being the peaceful, protective sanctuary that I longed to be, for my little growing baby, I had all of these things taken away from me. I felt as if I was barely surviving myself.

Nothing looked the same to me.

 The pain medicine had altered my frame of mind and the pain, itself, left absolutely no room for logic or the things that usually brought my heart peace and rest. While I appreciated the prayers of my family and friends immensely, I found myself unbelieving that I would really be out of this state anytime soon.  This unbelieving brought even more unrest because my heart longed to believe and to be who I knew I could be. However, my altered state of mind would not allow it. There was no praising through the storm or rest in my heart about what was happening. The pain was too great and had taken over anything that I could usually see through.

 I signed my name to yet another piece of paper acknowledging that harm could come to my baby and felt nothing but pain and fear and dread mount within me. It is quite something to try to prepare one’s self for even more pain when you are already immersed in great pain.  As if I was bracing myself for the greater pain that would come in the result of losing this baby if harm would, in fact, would help me in any way.  

The anxiety of what was ahead, the fear of what harm this was bringing to my baby and the lack of faith that I felt at the time almost seemed to overwhelm me.

The eyes of pain were absolutely all that I could see through. 

Faith did not even feel within reach and hope seemed extremely distant. I knew in my head that the eyes I was seeing life through were not the eyes of Truth, but I could not talk, think or pray my way out of looking through the world this way. I did not know that this day and these moments were the end of the pain and that the healing had already begun.

The next Sunday gathering I attended, I cried through from the very beginning to the end. I thought that coming out of the “dark spell of pain” that I found myself in, I would be ashamed going back to Jesus knowing that I hadn't found my strength in Him throughout this time. Instead, I found His words comforting and compassionate. He showed me how pain alters the very foundation of faith. He reminded me that everybody looks through their own eyes of pain. Also, how the eyes that I am looking through are the result of the pain that I have either ignored or let Him cleanse and make whole. Either way, pain is not what He wants for us. He wants to cleanse and wash away the pain. He doesn't want me to have to carry the weight of a life full of pain throughout my entire life. He longs to be a part of the healing process.

I am so incredibly blessed that the physical pain has left me and I love what He showed me afterwards. Looking through the eyes of pain is different for everybody. Not everybody sees things the way that I see them and the opposite is true, too. 

Either way, pain alters our reality, makes us believe things that aren't always true and robs us of our joy. So, any opportunity I have to tell pain to go away and ask for Jesus healing touch, I should because without that, my reality is ugly, lifeless and lonely.

 Jesus reality is full of peace, love and life and He longs to bring me back into the reality that He designed for us all to be a part of, the reality where He heals, He restores and He redeems.

 Whether it be physical or emotional pain, healing is a beautiful gift from above and is mine for the asking.
 Asking, seeking and finding---beautiful to the hurting soul.