My God, my God, why have you forsaken us?

The List

Clasping the thin paper I held in my hand, I squeezed it a little tighter. I looked around to see the thousands of women around me. There were similar papers everywhere. Some stuck in the folds of women's hair, some more like well-bound books under their arms and purses everywhere were overflowing with these lists.
We all knew where they came from and who sent them to us. We all had something in common.

The lists. 

Not one, two or three, but hundreds and thousands of lists. 

As the hum of the crowd continued all around me, I drifted back in my thoughts to the day before I had these lists. "How naive I was!" I mumbled to myself bitterly about how far I had come. 

Not as many of the younger generation were represented,

 but judging by the life experiences of those around me, 

they would eventually make their way here, too.  

The older generation, myself included, were gathered together...

looking rather lonely and alone. 

We were tired and weary but had something in common

...we were in this together.

From time to time in the crowd, a woman would get especially loud and grab for her list. Others around her would read her list with her and gasp appropriately at the deep wounds it brought to her heart.

 Others, not to be left behind, would reach for the really deep, treasured lists that some kept close to their heart and would take a turn communicating the heart ache of the things represented on each of their treasured lists. 

Each list represented a hurt. A pain. A scar. A wound. A place left bleeding in her heart. 

Many had hearts that were so calloused by the severity of the list,

 that their eyes were dull and the flicker in their soul had died.

One woman started chanting and others soon followed. 

Some were chanting to never hope again, others were yelling to protect the list at all cost.

 Others were just quiet, tears dripping down their faces,

 with their lists gripped firmly in their hands as if they had no voice left to speak at all.  

I watched quietly. I am more of an observer and observed a lot of pain. 

I had my list or lists but kept them mostly to myself. I like a good list. 

One to keep for a time when it is needed. Just to be sure, I found a quiet corner and went over mine again.

Yes, there it all was in black and white. 

I had written and re-written different spots for emphasis. 

Some parts were barely visible and others were in bold writing so I would not forget. 

My list: 

Anger in place of love

Hatred in the place of pain

Malice in the place of hurt

Bitterness in the place of silence

Sleepiness in the place of my voice

I felt for my sachet. In it was the key to the house that I had traded for this place in my heart.

In the house, there was a kitchen filled with cabinets full of ammunition. 

My heart wasn't kept here. It was underground in a safe place being guarded. If anyone got near it or tried to sneak up on it, I have explosive devices rigged. I had ammunition, guns, machine guns and much more. 

I was ready. I had to be ready. I had to be prepared.

 Deep in my heart I muttered,  

"Bring it on. I will win. I will beat you.

 You will go down. I will swing my bat at your knees and see them buckle as you fall." 

I was protecting the very depth of who I was. 

I didn't start out like this. 

For every hurt I had received, there was a voice offering a weapon to help the pain. 

For every betrayal to my hurt, anger was offered to ease the blow. 

Slowly but surely, I had traded each pain for anger, rage, bitterness 

and every kind of shield that was offered to me in its place.

I was brought abruptly back to the present when the crowd hushed as One Person started to speak. 

This Person was familiar to me. I was sure that I knew what He wanted and was almost sure I knew what He had to say. He had left me along the way somewhere to fight this battle on my own. 

I was quietly angry at Him and felt the betrayal of being alone wash over me. 

He started to address the crowd:

 "Women of God, I adore you. Each one of you hold a special and dear place in my heart.

 I have battled for Your Freedom and won it. 

Yet, I see you gathered lonely, alone, restless, feeling betrayed.  

You have been fooled into thinking it was me that put you there." 

A woman burst out in anger. 

"YOU LET MEN DO THIS TO US! THEY WOUNDED US! 

YOU DIDN'T PROTECT US!

 YOU LEFT US ALL ALONE TO DEAL WITH THIS PAIN!" 

The crowd started to erupt in applause and acknowledgement of this  sad "truth" as they believed it. 

Jesus walked through the crowd to find this woman and sat beside her to look into her face.

 She winced as He got closer and held her face in His hands. 

"My child, I have been here all along. 

You tried to use men to fulfill a role I died to protect and save. 

A role that consists of Me and you in a deep relationship with one another. 

There is no man, woman or child that can fulfill the role that you seek."

A tear rolled down her cheek and she whispered, 

"But, he said he would love me and protect me and did the exact opposite. 

How can I trust anyone again?"

Jesus held her in a long embrace and then sat back and looked at all of the deep, heart wounds around Him.

"You women see these lists as protecting you from pain, I see them as the root of your pain.

 You have gone over each offense and played over each event in your life that has left you wounded, until it is sealed in the depths of your soul and rage consumes your days. 

What you haven't seen is Me.

 That is Who or What you are missing. 

You have looked to men to be your 'god' when I have not asked them to play that role in your life. 

I have always wanted to be Your God. 

When you give this role over to a man, you are setting yourself up for a life filled with disappointment."

As the truth started being clearer, it was as if the sun peaked through and clouds melted away.

  More and more women around started making their way to Jesus, 

each with a different question and each with a beautiful, truth-filled response. 

I slowly made my way to Jesus and sat at His feet in tears.

"I traded my heart, love and romance for protection. But, what I didn't know was it was protection from the enemy. He offered it and I took it. I didn't see a choice. I already had a 'god' and he wasn't protecting me. I gave this place in my heart away and got all of these things in return. A list filled with antidotes for pain."

I showed him my key and told him that I had kept a list of each thing done against me and kept it somewhere safe where nobody could see. He told me that He already knew about it and described it to me as sort of a mini-kingdom. One that had been set up under a different "god" and not with Heavenly rules. 

I told Him my heart was buried underground there for safe keeping.

 He understood and said that He knew exactly where it was hidden away.

Sitting back and looking at the crowd, He made us an offer. 

Our "kingdoms" for our hearts back.

 He would be The Protector He was always meant to be,

 The Provider He had promised He would be

 and The Saviour we had sought in other people or things. 

With tears streaming down my face I fell into His lap. 

What would I be willing to give up to have my heart back? 

Would I be strong enough to give up the anger? 

Would I be willing to forgive once and for all? 

What would happen to the "mini-kingdom" I had made?

Jesus said that He would take care of these things for me and held my heart in His hands. 

"No one can take you out of my hands.

 Keep your eyes and your heart with me.

 I will cover you. I will provide for you. I will be Your God."

Similar things carried on for a very long time as more and more women came to sit at His feet,

 He traded their lists for their very own hearts. 

As Jesus was handed each list, the list and the mini-kingdom that went with the list, would dissolve. 

In its place, the sun would shine brighter and the eyes of each women revealed 

the sparkle of her soul again.

Each women, now free, starting dancing as the walls crumbled all around them.

 The debt had been paid and our hearts were safe in the hands of the One
 who had taken the place of our pain so long ago.

 We were free.

 Free from our lists, free from our pain and free to sparkle, shine and glow in the Light of our King.