Chapter 2:

As long as I kept on pretending I figured I could pull it off for a few more months, maybe try to secretly save some money and would dream of starting life all over again. I couldn't have because then Ryan would come after me and I, well, I had no idea what to do with him. We just couldn't get along. Either I was too weak or he was too strong or the combination of both of those seemed to be deadly to our union. The unfortunate thing about this was that I absolutely adored the man. I fell in love with him at 16 and just adored the essence of who he was and I saw so much greatness in him. The only problem was I hadn't seen the greatness in a long time.

The walls of hurts, frustrations, devastation and losses

in our life and marriage seemed too great to overcome.

I held onto them firmly simply because I had no idea what else to do with them. I could feel the tension grow stronger and stronger between us and really couldn't see my way out of it. I had tried and so had he. In Bible college, they had taught us both how to treat each other only those things just seemed more crippling than anything at this point. For instance, let your husband be the spiritual leader. Well, what if your husband is a little lost and sad and filled with disillusionment? Where did that leave me? And what if your wife wasn't practically perfect in every way and got jealous and sad? What did he know about making those things feel better in me?

This is where I sat in the battle of my life.

Confused, angry, really hurt and I had completely lost who I was--

IF I had ever really known that.

That brings me back to the porch swing that day. I will never forget it because hope was born that day, not just for me, but for a lot of people that I loved deeply.

I mentioned earlier that I had just finished reading the Shack. Well, I had a fabulous idea. I could see places all around the country named "The Shack," where people could go to get help. They could "spend the weekend with Jesus" and be transformed. I felt like it was fantastic and even e-mailed the author about the idea. It was just burning deep inside me to spend 4 days with God.

I got up off of that porch swing and made a very feeble attempt. To get in my car, drive around my neighborhood and look for some garage sales. This was one of my favorite things to do and I didn't have my girls so I thought I would feel better if I ventured out. It kind of felt like I was in slow motion. During the time that I was sick, all of the steps that it took to get out the door felt like an eternity. Sometimes, before church I would lay on the ground by my closet and be curled up in a ball dreading having to get another outfit together to wear. The touch of clothes on my skin felt dreadful. Ryan's call from downstairs would jolt me into reality and I would start the process of getting dressed.

I drove down the street and got out of my car. To my deep dismay I saw a church member of the church we were attending. Not that she in particular was judgmental, but I felt the judgments always. I didn't look nice, I had no make-up on, I had barely gotten myself out of bed. Slowly, after muddling through talking to her, I looked up to hear a few girls talking about Jesus.

They had just finished praying with a lady that had cancer right there at the sale.

I found this mesmerizing.

This is who I longed to be and yet couldn't really ever get there. There seemed to be a muzzle firmly placed on my mouth and I could never really get things out about Him, especially in public, for goodness sake! The girls started asking me questions and I slowly started answering, not too open to conversation in my state, until we started talking about the Shack. That was something I could talk about all day long. I told my idea sheepishly to the girls about having a place people could go to for 4 days to get all of their "stuff" out and the very evangelistic girl said, "I know of a place just like that a few miles from here!" "It's a workshop where people go and get all of their hurts worked out." I have no idea what she said from then on. My heart started pounding and I knew in the depths of my soul that this is what my heart was longing for, I knew I would go. I would do anything I could to get there. I imagine it was how people felt in the days of Jesus getting to the healing pool of Bethesda. If I got there, I knew my journey was changing and I would begin to be healed. Not just of physical pain, but emotional and in the depths of my heart I knew that hope was on the horizon.