Feeling Lost

Chapter 1: 

Searching out my calling

Only just a few years ago I found myself depressed, feeling alone and at the edge of complete despair. It seems hard to picture now because life has changed--I have changed so much since then. But I guess that is where my story begins.

Walking in the shadow of who I was:

I could hear the loud creak of the porch swing and could feel the warmth of the mild summer day on my face. I found my circumstances to be so strange since deep inside this wasn't who I was at all. I was barely able to function. I had been sick for a looong time. I really couldn't remember how long and I couldn't really remember when I had felt normal last. I felt covered in despair and thoughts of not suicide, necessarily, but not living, went through my mind almost constantly.

My two little girls were being taken care of by family members and the overwhelming feelings of worthlessness in not being able to care for my own children were not lost on me. We had been on the highs and lows of finding a more permanent job for Ryan (my husband of then 7 years) and I guess you could say we were both just trying to survive. I was trying to help him out of his state of frustration and hopelessness while I was stuck in mine.

Something wasn't working.

I had lost my fight.

All around me hopelessness seemed endless.

At that time, three of some of the closest people to me were going through divorces. My need to help people or "save" people became completely overwhelming. So much so that if the phone rang, my stomach was sick at the thought of answering since I really felt like there was nothing I could say that would help anyone feel any better. Seeing the people I loved in pain and their children in pain, and MY children in pain was beginning to be way too much for me to bear.

I could hear the faint sound of music by Chris Rice in the background and felt smugly happy that at least I had that. I had been raised in "fundamental baptist" background and me listening to this kind of "out of the box" (grin) music seemed to make me feel like something in my life was in fact changing. I cried out to Jesus. I had just finished reading the book, The Shack (gasp and if you haven't read it---read it). I for the first time began to long to spend the weekend with Jesus. I wanted to talk to him about my life, my friends lives and what had become of the idea of "Christianity?" Then the really, really BIG question would come. Why wasn't it "working" for us? I knew He had all the answers, if I could just talk to Him. I just knew He did. I knew in His kind and gentle way He would lead me the right way, which He eventually did. Even in that moment of hopelessness and despair, something deep inside me knew there was more out there to be had, I just had to find it.

In this moment, I was lost, uncertain and felt so alone. But for my marriage, my children, my family, and my friends...I had to find a better way. I had to. I just had to.

This is where life began to change.