Chapter 4

Getting up the guts...

Maybe for you change is easy, but for me at the time it was not. I had to start living a whole different way. Instead of engaging in arguing with Ryan, I just started to pray. I loved him so much, so much more, now that my heart was free from the bitterness and anger.

I came home from the workshop to an immediate argument. He was sure that this place was a cult and on and on...for a minute I was flabbergasted. How could I have found all of this freedom and have someone come and take it away? That's when I realized nobody could take it away. I started praying almost immediately. At the workshop, they helped us to come up with a "dagger." That's their word for it. It's just a way of immediately remembering who you are in Christ. Mine was fresh on my mind and I repeated it to myself under my breath and prayed. The strangest thing happened. I felt amazing and the argument stopped. It was like some sort of secret I had discovered. I felt so empowered in that moment to change everything about who I had been.

Ryan was working out of town, so we only saw each other on the weekends. It was August that I went through the workshop and by October I was in need of some serious reinforcement. I attended a follow up workshop and this time God asked me to trust Him. It was as if I could see the words "Trust" written every time I closed my eyes. The people were so ridiculously kind to me and throughout the weekend I realized that I would need to be strong to keep my family together if I really wanted it. This wasn't a very exciting revelation since I had vowed to "not be stronger than Ryan." Some vows are not meant to be kept and this was one of them. If it was coming between me and what Jesus asked me to do, it could not be the best thing for our family.

Speaking of which, I saw the most amazing thing that weekend.

It was so fantastic.

All of Heaven, standing up around me and cheering, "FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!"

It was beautiful.

I told the people there about this and they were kind enough to act it out for me. I know what you're thinking it sounds kind of weird but there was something so powerful about it. They all gathered around me and as I walked through them they shouted "Fight! Fight! Fight!Fight!" I walked away knowing what I had to do, Jesus told me it was time. I was going to have to ask Ryan to attend the workshop so that he could have freedom from the sadness he was carrying around with him, too. I will never forget driving down the road and wondering if this was the end of the road for us. What would it be like to live in an apartment, give up my house, walk away from the life I had been living. I gave all of those worries to Jesus. I knew something had to change. The girls were in the middle of this "trying to survive" state and it was terrible for them.I knew that but I loved Ryan, I was totally at a loss, I didn't want to make him feel like he was being forced into anything by me and resent me for it. But I didn't know what else to do. I choose to follow Jesus, since that had been working rather well for me by that time.

The night the change began

I felt like Esther, that may sound dramatic. But that's how I felt. I drove down to the place where Ryan was employed and asked him to go out to dinner that night. I bought a new dress, got all dressed up and asked everyone of my new friends and family to pray. Thankfully, I was covered in prayer. I popped the big question and I don't know if I was prepared for what happened next, but I was amazingly protected. I felt like I was in a bubble. I felt like every word coming at me dying off and I still don't remember what was said. I know it wasn't good. I left there with the most amazing feeling though, he said no but I didn't feel like I had lost anything by asking. I had followed what Jesus had asked me to do and whatever happened from there was in His hands. I called everyone that had prayed and asked them to keep on praying.

It was about two weeks later when I got the news. Tears flood my eyes when I think about it. I called the workshop to ask them to put Ryan's name on the waiting list for the next workshop, just in case he decided to go at the last minute.

They said, "Oh, he called a few days ago and signed up,

he's already filled out his paper work and he's set to go."

I fell to the ground in tears. I couldn't hold my body up, it was like everything inside me that was keeping everything together came pouring out. I was sobbing and could barely make the words out to the girl who was on the other end of the phone who was saying, "Are you o.k?" Yes, I was not only o.k. I was amazing, because I knew if Ryan could get even an ounce of healing, together we would be completely transformed.