Chapter 7

The slow change begins

While it seemed that some things were on fast forward,

others seemed to be taking their time.

The freedom that we had found was so beautiful for our marriage that I found myself crumbling under it. Being strong emotionally when I felt so weak seemed to come to an end and I found myself being able to let go of some marriage battles I had faced and settle in on my own dirty laundry so to speak. I found so many things were not right side up in my own life and began asking Jesus to show me what they were.

I had allowed other people to rule my life.

They told me how I needed to be, how I needed to live

and what I needed to do to be a good Christian.

I was a guilt-ridden soul striving for

perfection in Jesus.

That couldn't be found, perfection, so that left me feeling...never good enough. I felt this way

100% of the time and that if I could just do more, be more, my life would be blessed and I would finally achieve that perfect relationship with Jesus everyone seemed to talk about. The problem was I couldn't pull my body, family and life together enough to do that.

After I met Jesus that weekend in August, (see Chapter 2) my beliefs changed so much about what Jesus thought of me, who I was created to be and I knew, just knew that...

He smiled when I called His name.

I knew that, and my heart knew that, but I would get fooled into thinking otherwise and then I would lose my focus on Jesus. Then I would begin having thoughts of failure, low self worth and contempt for myself in not being able to pull off the whole perfect image I had been trying to achieve.

Why was it when I would spend a weekend seeing with my own eyes, healings and conversions of believers, could one person say one thing against this way of life and it send me spiraling down? The words from others seemed to be drowning me, even though I knew the truth.

This was the truth: Jesus had set me free. He had restored my marriage. He was all that I needed. He was all that I wanted. Absolutely everything else didn't matter.

Yet here I was, having no idea how to walk away from who everyone else wanted me to be, just to be me. Rebekah Faith. What did Jesus have in mind when He created me? Who did He want me to be? What did this new Friend and Saviour have in store for my life?

Surely it wasn't drowning in other people's beliefs, opinions and expectations.

I, with the help of some friends, asked Jesus about this. I saw a picture of myself with my feet wrapped tightly. So tightly that they could not grow and they were all bound up, like they do in different cultures to keep feet from growing. As I tried to take a step, my feet were bound with

other people's expectations, other people's opinions, the expected walk of a good Christian

woman, the guilt, the shame and the blanket of failure from not being the best at this Christian life. So, much so that when I tried to walk forward I would fall to the ground because my feet could not grow as long as they were wrapped up in these false beliefs or idols.

Jesus then showed me a picture of Him unraveling them and placing His hands on my feet and healing them and setting me free to run, down the path that He had created for me!

IT WAS GLORIOUS!

I had become a new fan of acting things out in the physical to give myself a picture of what He was doing deep in my heart and so I choose to act this out on the top of a hill one beautiful day.

I brought a white sheet with me and a marker. I began to pray and ask Jesus to bring everything to mind that was binding my feet from running on the journey that He had for me.

I wrote down each one on the torn pieces of sheet.

I wrapped them all around my legs and feet and asked Jesus to release these things

from me as I removed them forever.

Slowly, I placed each one into a pot that I had brought along and watched them turn from a mess of black marker and white strips into ashes that could never be restored.

As a sort of "Bethel" reminder, I placed some rocks on the place that I had given these expectations to Jesus.

I spread the ashes in a nearby cemetery. Those things had died within me and I stood up and walked out of the cemetery that day down a new path, the path Jesus had made for me.